Swallowed.

I'm completely emotionally drained and discussed my relationship with Will for about an hour or so. We worked through all the stuff I'm going through,but he's completely numb. I kind of feel the same right now as I've hit a wall with my feelings. I want to feel like things are fine,and they are with me...but he's still so cold.He has a lot to figure out in his head and I don't want to press him on anything else.

I'm looking forward on everything,especially this week. I'm not going to take time out to focus on myself,or my feelings for that matter...they tend to cloud my eyes,head and get in the way of my schooling. I don't wanna get stressed out about shit I don't have to worry about.

"If you're looking for stability,you've come to the wrong place."

My mouths shooting blanks
Situation's unbearable
I've grown venereable
So anyone is free to walk right in
My temple's been invaded and there's nobody guarding it

All over this lonely life
What's so wrong with being all alone?
Alone's the only way I've ever known.

[Bayside - Devotion and Desire]
Dark days are ahead for me.

I didn't know just what I was getting into when I agreed to date Will. Part of me is compassionate and wants to give him love,but the rational part of me knows I need to move on. He's on copious amounts of lithium and abilify,and I know if I decide to marry this guy,he'll be the same way he is now. We talked the day before last and he told me,after I said,"I thought I'd find some kind of stability in you.";"If you're looking for stability,you've come to the wrong place." In all his mental fog,it's the most profound thing he's ever said. I want to stay because I'm lonely,but I want to leave because I'm miserable. Who knows what I'll do in the days or months to come.

At the end of the world,you weren't there.

I've created this blog to put out my everyday experiences not only with myself,but with a boyfriend who suffers from Bipolar Disorder and it's effects on our relationship. It wasn't perfect in the beginning,and it seems as though it's spiralling out of control at an alarming speed. See,my boyfriend is going through a phase where he's entered complete and utter apathy. He doesn't care about anything,or anyone,including me and I feel the same way I did before I met him. Alone and unhappy. I'd like to think about myself and my feelings,but at the same time I'm someone who'd sacrifice their own happiness for someone else. I told myself I'd never go back into a relationship where I put in more emotion and effort into a relationship than someone else, but there's factors in this relationship that I've never had in any other relationship. Besides the fact that it's a real,live relationship and not being conducted over the internet with someone over 1,000 miles away. He loves the outside of me as well as the inside,and it's given me self-confidence. Something I've never really had unless it was an academic achievement,or getting some kind of award. His latest mental rut has turned my subconscious into a world of doubt and emptyness. I had a dream this week that the apocalypse drew near and a volcano erupted next to an empty office building my mother,myself and a regular at Waffle House (I have no idea why...) took refuge in. I tried calling Will (my current boyfriend), and couldn't get a hold of him. I can't tell you why he wasn't there with me,but I couldn't get him on the phone and my mother couldn't make an outgoing call either. I woke up before all of us died almost in tears. Maybe this is a sign of the end of our relationship together? Maybe it's my subconscious saying he's never really going to be there for me emotionally, or through any trials and tribulations I may face in the times to come? I don't know for sure,but I can't fathom him not being around in the future. Maybe it's the utter lonliness talking,but it's the God's honest truth.